sidetracked

My eyes are swollen until now. No matter how tactical I am in putting on make up…no matter how often I smile and even laugh…no matter how firm I can get in declaring that I am satisfied and happy…no matter how hard I try to pretend that I am okay, my eyes that had always demonstrated my gaiety suddenly bear out the fact that I am miserable…
When everything in my future has already been planned, and when I am yet fixing the bungled phases of my life, I did not manage to obtain the very key to my yet to come existence I have imagined—I did not pass the University of the Philippines Law Aptitude Examination.
Before the results came out, even if I was telling my family and friends that I would not pass LAE, at the back of my head, I was confident that I would make it. Why not? I have a relatively high GWA and the questions in the exam were uncomplicated yet time bound, making the whole process somehow brain draining. Just like some of my friends I know who passed LAE, I did not prepare for it. No review centers or specialized practice examination kits. I simply skimmed a general entrance examination reviewer days before the test. But in spite of this scenario, it was instilled to me that I will pass LAE. Just for back-up, I may take other law schools’ entrance examinations but I will never enroll in any of them.
And so the results came out last Wednesday… Contrary to what I have expected, my name was not on the list of LAE passers. Although I can still try it this coming November, the situation exceedingly hurts me. The pride I have as an achiever ever since is just but a spec of the reason why I cannot easily accept what happened. Beyond anything else, the ruin of the ambition I have long been setting my life up for is the primary cause of the agony I am now struggling against. I honestly do not want to cry anymore, but I cannot hold my tears back every time I am reminded of how stupid I could get in my dream law school examination. I do not want to appear gloomy but I am oblivious that it is already becoming my habit to stare at nowhere for quite a long period of time.
Realizing this makes me feel so irritating! This is the very first time in my life that I do not have a second plan at hand. I have always been wise in troubleshooting but I cannot be that wise troubleshooter now! Yes, the UP College of Law is not the only good law school everyone knows. There are others which may be better than it. Call me UP-centric but I cannot imagine myself studying in a law school aside from UP. It is not that I am degrading the other schools… It’s really not like that. It’s just that for me…as of now…it’s UP or nothing… And this makes me feel that I am indeed a loser for I cannot do something now for me to start reaching the life I have surmised…
Before, I am thinking that I must accomplish my thesis right away…so I can graduate on time…so I can proceed to the UP College of Law immediately…so I can be an exceptional, liberal, and mass-oriented lawyer someday. But I don’t have the drive to finish my thesis on time anymore… I am even reluctant now to go to school to attend to my academic requirements and even to my extra-curricular activities. I am now lost…and I desperately need to regain my vision…

I Stand Corrected

Just because it is like becoming a habit already, we came again to our favorite hangout place just this night. All this time, I thought that the place is called Drew’s. Perhaps I was thinking that this booze venue is owned by a person named Drew. So maybe, to simplify things, he just tagged his own name in his business. But while looking around in the area, I was surprised to see that the place is actually named Drews…without apostrophe… Haha! I guess I do not need to know the story behind. But I have confirmed that sometimes, people tend to dwell right away on bigger phases, that we neglect to give attention to minor details…

please show up

I lost my student’s license! Huhuhu! Now that I can ‘upgrade’ it to a non-professional or even a professional driver’s license, I can’t remember where I placed that stupid small piece of paper. I was quite appeased for I know I put it inside my documents’ case, since I always plunk pertinent papers in it. But I was so shocked when I could not find it last night. I searched for it in all the corners of our room, but it was nowhere to be found. I wish I didn’t obliviously throw it with the papers I thought were all worthless. Waaaaahhhhh! Nooohhhh! I don’t know what to do now! I’m going crazy looking for it!

Busy Me

I hate busy days! It is as if I don’t have time for myself anymore. No time for television, no time for window-shoppings, no time for manicure and pedicure, no time for paperbacks, no time for friends, no time for SeaBest or Starbucks, no time for Drew’s, no time for girl talks, no time for sleep. I wake up early in the morning, and retire few minutes before the sun rises. How is that?! I’m so deprived of comfort nowadays. When pressure gets into me, I would just want to turn my back from all the tasks that are waiting to be accomplished, and enjoy the luxury of sitting back while getting pleasure from a movie and munching on a bucket full of barbeque-flavored popcorn. But can I do that?! Of course not! I just wish to, but it will obviously be impossible!!! So my diversion now? YOSI! I know, right???
But thinking about it, being busy does not always feature the miserable aspects of my life. How can it be? Besides from the fact that being such implies that I am trying my best for me to be able to pull all my obligations off, I will not have time to make myself more depressed as well. This is how it goes… Because of tiredness at the end of the day, it is but normal for me to sleep as soon as possible upon arriving home. And because I’m not a morning person, it is so hard for me to wake up early. Since I have so many activities in the school, the end product will again be a ‘dog-tired Ran arriving home late at night’… And the cycle goes on and on. With such scenario, I will not have leisure time to contemplate on what’s happening in my life anymore because I am very pre-occupied. Hence, I will not be able to identify flaws in my existence as a daughter, a sister, a student, a leader, a citizen, a friend, a dreamer, a woman, or even a human. Thus, I will not get disheartened. Haha! What a realization!