reminiscing, persisting, yearning

I ought to write something about the holiday season, but nothing is so special with my Christmas, even with my New Year. In fact, both of these most awaited times of this year have no impact to me. Nothing is exceptional. Neither is merry nor happy. I am just certain that they are already here for the television, papers, radio and internet project so. And also, at work, our rest days have become longer than the usual. But beyond these, nothing else helped me substantiate the spirit of the days I had been looking forward to each year before.
This year is really something. I can hardly go out to take a breather. When I say “go out” I mean doing things I used to do whenever Christmas vacation comes (i.e. watching MMFF movies, ‘leisurely’ strolling around the mall, going to everyone else’ Christmas parties, spending time in a coffee shop with my old classmates and friends). Instead, I just locked myself up in my room, and frittered my time watching television shows and DVD’s, surfing the internet, starting to read paperbacks (but not finishing them), eating, sleeping, and most importantly, contemplating.
I watched the year-ender special of ABS-CBN last night. Basically, I just needed something to make me fall asleep. But as each scene was flashed, I knew that the TV program was doing something more relevant than what I anticipated it to. It helped me refresh my memory on news and current affairs—aspects which were very relevant to me before (especially when I was still in UP), but are now rapidly becoming inconsequential in my way of living.
The Subic Rape Case was one of the topics in that special. I was quite shocked for I cannot believe that it has already been a year since Lance Corporal Daniel Smith was convicted. I still remember how GABRIELA fought for Nicole, who then symbolized the courage and the dignity of Filipino women. I still recall how we do RTR’s (room-to-room) and how we conduct fora, so as to update the UP community of how the case was doing. I can still think of how my voice cracked after shouting with or without using a megaphone just to lead the mass and agitate them to fight for one of the millions of victims of our government’s crooked policies. I can still imagine how dark my skin has turned out to be after all of those under-the-burning-sun demonstrations I participated in, just to express our disappointment with the state’s condition. I can still envision Nicole’s face when many people did not believe her, and tried pull her and her family down during the course of the case. I can still hark back to the times when I was well-informed on the issues our country was facing, to the point that I can readily explain and/or defend my side in front of a crowd.
Sir Michael Andrada, or Sir Mike as we call him, was featured in the show. He is a professor in the College of Arts and Letters (same college where I got my bachelor’s degree), and at the same time, I suppose still, a student taking up his MA. I never had a chance to be his student, but I am sure that he is intelligent and critical. He and his colleagues were very supportive of CAL Student Councils’ activities. I recall how he actively partook to our signature campaigns, class walk-outs, and protest rallies. We needed not to repeat ourselves if we asked favors from him, for he knew that our philosophies, objectives, and ideas were all in line.
Until now, Sir Mike is goal-oriented. I admire him for incessantly being nationalistic, and for not easily being demoralized. Aside from my professors from our department, he was one of those people who were convincing me to teach in UP as I take my MA up, instead of working outside the academe. As far as I can remember, we accidentally came across each other one afternoon in the entrance of the Faculty Center, a month or two after I graduated. He asked me about my plans, and I answered nothing else but just a sweet smile. I knew he recognized that I was still ambivalent so he expressed his thoughts, and encouraged me to pursue life within UP.
I chose to live my life outside UP, but I promised to be back after a year. However, this promise’s execution can only be determined by LAE. That is how manipulative it is now in my life. It will even manipulate if my future holiday seasons will mean something more, compared to this year’s.

thought it was a cool day

Yesterday was perhaps one of the most ridiculous days of my life.
Sleepless nights (or days, in my current case) are not new to my system. My body is so used to them that it can still be as energetic as usual, even if I have not slept at all for three or four straight days. I have proven this for numerous times already. But yesterday was a different case. I had three hours of sleep but I felt so weak. Because of this, I was not able to start my day right. No matter how hard I tried to brighten my day up and to make up for what I have begun, my fate hindered me to do so. And as the day continued, it just got worse, and even worse. Well, the bad luck took a break when I had my lunch. And I thought that the ‘magic’ would carry on. But it was just a notion that never came true.
Aside from the fact that I had a hard time meeting yesterday’s goals for the metrics, I also had a hard time talking for my voice was already cracking. I had to endure both of these until my shift ended. Just when I thought that I would already enjoy the rest of the day, I bumped into someone on my way to Shopwise. I did not go ballistic anymore for I already saw him two days ago, in almost exact same place. I was not just sure if he too, saw me then. But heck! That first encounter (after five or six months of interaction loss) made me feel uncomfortable. Several ideas during that first meeting were built on my mind, only to realize that I was over him. So apparently, that second encounter was nothing to me anymore. Maybe he saw Marge when she tried to catch my attention by grabbing my arm. But beyond that, I felt or did nothing special at all. It is but normal to be shocked (I guess) to see him in the place I never expected he would be in. But it was a simple amazement and nothing more. I did not look back. I did not think of looking back. I managed not to look back.
I still hoped that the jinx would be reverted after the day’s struggle. But my fortune pushed me further to my limits. I later found out that I am becoming a PIM again. Darn! Where should I place myself? It seems that another macho shit is challenging me. Funny! Hahaha! If that is the case, then let me play the game!
Yesterday was indeed an unfortunate day, and I certainly cannot do anything about what had already happened. But I still have the future to redeem myself.

disposition check

Am I happy? I honestly want to believe so. But I do not feel fulfilled—there is something missing. I can say that I have a satisfying life now for yes, I have a job and I earn my own money. But this is not the kind of setup I dreamed and worked hard for. I believe I deserve way greater than being a call center employee.
Call center, contact center, BPO—for me, they are one and the same. No matter how the companies try to tart up the term, it is still a ‘call center’, an industry which many people demean. Two major reasons behind: (1) no college diploma is required, (2) no-brainer-job for a script is always followed in every call. But the employers have justifications for these: (1) No college diploma is required for they give each and every individual equal chances to get hired. They believe that diploma is not the only gauge of a person’s abilities. (2) It is true that every call has a script that must be followed. But this is just a suggested script. The industry actually requires every agent to be spontaneous for one call is different from the other.
I remember that just days before I graduated, many of my professors dissuaded me to enter the call center industry. They said that I must not be enticed by the high compensation being offered, for my knowledge and philosophies will soon be corrupted there. They even added that I, being an intellectual, must not waste my talent and time for something that is not appreciated by the academe. And I agreed with them, for this was during the time when I really did not even consider applying for a position in a call center. I really expected that I will continue to further enhance my skills in UP. But look at where I am now.
Whenever college friends would ask me where I am currently working, I would just smile and say, “Secret!”. But if they already know that I work for a call center, I will always defensively respond, “Well, hell it’s Dell. It’s not just a call center.”. I do not want to talk about careers whenever I am with my blockmates. In fact, I do not want to attend our homecoming anymore, basically because I do not want my schoolmates, especially my professors, who have looked up to me and have expected a lot from me, to make a fuss out of me choosing to work for a business they deride. I bet this is about my pride—pride of being a consistent honor student ever since, pride of being a part of certain institutions which are marked by intelligence, pride of being a well-rounded individual who stands out in every aspect she engages herself into, pride of being a leader who is admired by her comrades, pride of being a political critical thinker, pride of being a known figure in the campus, pride of being a cum laude graduate of the University of the Philippines (Diliman)—the center of excellence, pride of being an achiever.
My work now is not just as easy as many people think. It is not just about answering the phone and bidding goodbye to the caller after. It takes a lot of patience and tactics. And for me, it takes a lot of humility.
I suppose I am paid well. But I just do not see myself working as such for the next two, three, or four years of my life at most. I will not be able to contain the bitterness for that long. Sooner or later, I will hand out my resignation letter and will pursue the life I truly surmised. I might have considered losing my individuality for some time, but I swear to regain it. The real Ran will surely return.