Ironic, but this is what I hate most about liking someone – expectations not being met. I am in cloud nine when I feel romance. He inspires me to do things I find dragging. He makes me smile during my worst days. He shapes me to feel that I am the most important entity. But my world turns upside-down if the things I anticipate do not transpire. For this, I hate myself most of the time. And for some reason, I cannot do something to end this contention. I am blessed with rationality and critical thinking but if my heart starts to take action, it rules my whole life. I know that this must not be the case, but I am truly struggling to have the power of using my mind over my emotions. Will it forever be a talent that I will never be able to acquire? Or is it a skill that I just need to explore and practice? I envy those who can easily let go, or at least fake their feelings, for I cannot do either of them. I can act on stage and perform what the script requires. However, this aptitude will not be able to fool anyone who can see through my eyes. And so I pray that you look at me closely…feel the warmth that I want to share and hear the unspoken words that I kept. I am hoping that through this, matters will be settled.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
like to liked to like to love(?)
I believe I am forcing myself to write something about this for I ought not to. I am not in the mood to blurt things out but this idea has long been running through my head.
I liked him. Yes, it was in the past. I do not know the reason behind but it just happened. Months passed but nothing flourished, until such time that I got to focus my attention to someone else. And so I hated him, not because I felt that the feeling was not mutual, but because he pissed me off several times at work. I sensed that he is not effective in his position. True enough, many people think so as well.
Life is such a trick! I was trying hard to befriend him to make myself feel comfortable when he is around. However, due to unforeseen, and I must say desirable things that came into the picture, my intention transformed into something much deeper…deeper than it was initially. I am enjoying the ride so far. It is even more exciting to note that there are developments in the process. But things still remain vague. I am certain that it will be impossible, but I want to know what is exactly on his mind. My friends are pushing me to make a move, but why would I? I have been hurt several times and I will not dare to be a masochist again and again. I guess I simply have to take pleasure in what is currently happening between us. If nothing is supposed to progress, then so be it. I may not be in the mood to talk about this now, but I hope to get a bigger picture SOON.
I liked him. Yes, it was in the past. I do not know the reason behind but it just happened. Months passed but nothing flourished, until such time that I got to focus my attention to someone else. And so I hated him, not because I felt that the feeling was not mutual, but because he pissed me off several times at work. I sensed that he is not effective in his position. True enough, many people think so as well.
Life is such a trick! I was trying hard to befriend him to make myself feel comfortable when he is around. However, due to unforeseen, and I must say desirable things that came into the picture, my intention transformed into something much deeper…deeper than it was initially. I am enjoying the ride so far. It is even more exciting to note that there are developments in the process. But things still remain vague. I am certain that it will be impossible, but I want to know what is exactly on his mind. My friends are pushing me to make a move, but why would I? I have been hurt several times and I will not dare to be a masochist again and again. I guess I simply have to take pleasure in what is currently happening between us. If nothing is supposed to progress, then so be it. I may not be in the mood to talk about this now, but I hope to get a bigger picture SOON.
Monday, August 17, 2009
When Love and Hate Collide
I guess I am easy to please when it comes to romance. A little act tends to be projected as a huge one. This is not good, I know. Analysis, or over-analysis in my case, must not be tolerated! I should take things as it is. I should not forget what Greg Behrendt and Liz Tucillo wrote. He’s not just that into you, Ran. Do not magnify things. Do not overreact! But my mind goes against my heart. A simple gesture done by “him” appears to be magic to me. No matter how people make it appear that he is not perfect…no matter if I already see that he has flaws that MUST turn me off, I still find him SPECIAL…so special that everything he does affects me. I am exerting more effort for him to appreciate me more than anyone else. Stupid! Yes, I am STUPID!!! I want this feeling to end already for I know that he will never be mine. I am certain that he will never be mine! Crap! I am just actually trying to make myself believe that he will never be mine for I want to stop this foolishness. But I am already in deep shit now. Will I still be able to recover? It sucks when love and hate collide.
Friday, May 29, 2009
PIM part 2
I am becoming a PIM (Pathetic Inadvertent Magnet) again! Oh dear God! Why is it ALWAYS the case? You know very well that I do not intend to, but why am I always becoming a magnet to people who are already attached? I hate to admit it, but why do I fall for them as well? I am getting tired to be hurt and to expect for something I did not initially wish for. I am getting tired of hoping that these guys would have the initiative to formally end their relationships with their wretched girlfriends, and start a new romance with me. I am tired of waiting for them to focus their attention to me as the person they truly love. I am getting tired of being a PIM!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
To the Cellphone Borrower
This is to let you know that I knew about it all along—that you read the sent items in my phone (in spite of my kindness in lending it, you intruded my privacy still); that you told them what you read; that you preferred to spill it out than to keep quiet to save the friendship at least; that you have not talked to me first, just to clear things up, before squealing the information to them; that you remained quiet despite all the mess that happened; that you acted as if nothing big transpired; that YOU, my dear friend, have forsaken me.
You know you were precious to me. I kept on telling you that you were my confidante. I thought you were cherishing this fact. Yet, everything was ruined because of a move in which I, up to now, do not know if this idiocy was carefully scrutinized before implementing it. It is very obvious that you have not thought of its results especially to me, have you? Do you know what issues keep on bugging me until now? Two things: (1) that you were unfair in friendship—you preferred them over me regardless of what the causes and the effects would be, and (2) that you secretly wanted my downfall.
You were there when the worst things in my life happened. Have you thought that the consequences of what you did were few of those? Yet you have not spoken to me about them. Why not? It has been two years, right? You owe me an explanation.
I will still remain silent. I will not demand for anything cogent. But I am looking forward to the day that you will come to me and will voluntarily tell me everything—no hesitations, no influence of other people. I will not want you to gather insights first before approaching me. I want the real you to give me the answers I need, someday.
For the mean time, just like what you are currently doing, I will pretend that everything is cool. But I hope that the status quo will not last long. I want everything to be clarified SOON.
You know you were precious to me. I kept on telling you that you were my confidante. I thought you were cherishing this fact. Yet, everything was ruined because of a move in which I, up to now, do not know if this idiocy was carefully scrutinized before implementing it. It is very obvious that you have not thought of its results especially to me, have you? Do you know what issues keep on bugging me until now? Two things: (1) that you were unfair in friendship—you preferred them over me regardless of what the causes and the effects would be, and (2) that you secretly wanted my downfall.
You were there when the worst things in my life happened. Have you thought that the consequences of what you did were few of those? Yet you have not spoken to me about them. Why not? It has been two years, right? You owe me an explanation.
I will still remain silent. I will not demand for anything cogent. But I am looking forward to the day that you will come to me and will voluntarily tell me everything—no hesitations, no influence of other people. I will not want you to gather insights first before approaching me. I want the real you to give me the answers I need, someday.
For the mean time, just like what you are currently doing, I will pretend that everything is cool. But I hope that the status quo will not last long. I want everything to be clarified SOON.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
the others
I just wonder why there are people who do not know what their limitations are. Okay! Perhaps they are not that stupid not to know what they are bound to do. It is just that they are so abusive of the opportunity given to them; their faces are so thick that they do not embody the essences of delicadeza and utang na loob anymore. That is, if they are given 1 hectare of land to plow, they will take 10 hectares without taking into consideration that there are still other people who may badly be needing the remaining parts of the land. OMG!
Pardon me if I may sound arrogant but this is just too much! These people have stepped on us several times. They have forsaken us many times. And if words are just deadly, they might have killed us already. Yet, here they are, acting as if nothing happened; that things should just be the same; forgive and forget. Yeah, right! I can forgive, but I doubt if I can forget. Forgetting is the hardest thing for me. I, myself, do not understand why. If it is just me, if there will be any possibility for me to get back to these people, I will absolutely be glad to take it. But there are people dear to me who hold me back. They know me enough to keep me calm and cool to prevent unsolicited events from happening.
Sure. I will do my thing. Just do not go my way, for there are unexpected things I can do. What can these be? Beats me! If I were Sir Dids, I will pertain to these ungrateful, obnoxious people as creatures. But to me, they are simply the others.
Pardon me if I may sound arrogant but this is just too much! These people have stepped on us several times. They have forsaken us many times. And if words are just deadly, they might have killed us already. Yet, here they are, acting as if nothing happened; that things should just be the same; forgive and forget. Yeah, right! I can forgive, but I doubt if I can forget. Forgetting is the hardest thing for me. I, myself, do not understand why. If it is just me, if there will be any possibility for me to get back to these people, I will absolutely be glad to take it. But there are people dear to me who hold me back. They know me enough to keep me calm and cool to prevent unsolicited events from happening.
Sure. I will do my thing. Just do not go my way, for there are unexpected things I can do. What can these be? Beats me! If I were Sir Dids, I will pertain to these ungrateful, obnoxious people as creatures. But to me, they are simply the others.
Monday, March 2, 2009
dreaming for 23 years and counting
I can always describe myself as a dreamer. I love to plan and imagine situations where I want myself to be in the future. Some of them are feasible, others are just extraordinary. A number of them are being implemented already, but most of them are just in anticipation of being done.
The show Maalala Mo Kaya has always been interesting, especially nowadays that the actors being invited to portray true-to-life roles can be considered big stars. Not to mention that I have a good friend (Hi Benjamin Benson Logronio!!! Sign-up! Sign-up! Hahaha!) who works for the show.
It was Angel Locsin’s episode last Saturday. There was nothing superb about her, except from the fact that she is gifted with a perfect body and beautiful face which both make her soooo hot!!! Anyway, I could not help myself from sneering as I watch her character dream. I saw in her the conviction I had before. We had the same lines (graduating with flying colors form UP) and the same reactions. I guess, the only difference was the level of frustration every time things turn out the way we do not inferred them to be. Mine, I believe, was just subtle. Oh hell yes, I will forever be pressured but apparently, no one triggers it except me. On the other hand, Angel’s character was burdened due to everyone including herself. This type of setup is bound to failure for you are already clouded with your goal of reaching the top immediately, without taking into consideration that there is still an arduous journey that must be finished. I just feel fortunate that I am not like her. I am not forced to share for the house expenses, especially if my budget is too tight. I can ask/borrow money from my parents or from Kuya if I feel like being a stingy on my salary. I can request Mama to buy the things I need (or want) without paying her back J. I can spend my income with anything I desire. I can live day by day without thinking of how my future will become, because I am certain that even if the worse comes to worst, my family will back me up. But this is not the life I have dreamt of. I did not study hard from reputable schools just to live the way I am living now.
I do have action plans in mind, but then again, they will just be plans unless executed. I want to believe that I am just in the stage of life enjoyment, but I have realized that life can still be enjoyed while building the future.
Just two days from now, I will be 23 years old, yet what is currently happening to my life is not what I have dreamt of. I have envisioned far better than this. But who cares? This is my life, and I want to be my own master. I will continue dreaming and will never stop. And one of these days, I will surely become a living proof that dreaming combined with the right attitude and approach, no matter how difficult life can be, will forever be worth it.
The show Maalala Mo Kaya has always been interesting, especially nowadays that the actors being invited to portray true-to-life roles can be considered big stars. Not to mention that I have a good friend (Hi Benjamin Benson Logronio!!! Sign-up! Sign-up! Hahaha!) who works for the show.
It was Angel Locsin’s episode last Saturday. There was nothing superb about her, except from the fact that she is gifted with a perfect body and beautiful face which both make her soooo hot!!! Anyway, I could not help myself from sneering as I watch her character dream. I saw in her the conviction I had before. We had the same lines (graduating with flying colors form UP) and the same reactions. I guess, the only difference was the level of frustration every time things turn out the way we do not inferred them to be. Mine, I believe, was just subtle. Oh hell yes, I will forever be pressured but apparently, no one triggers it except me. On the other hand, Angel’s character was burdened due to everyone including herself. This type of setup is bound to failure for you are already clouded with your goal of reaching the top immediately, without taking into consideration that there is still an arduous journey that must be finished. I just feel fortunate that I am not like her. I am not forced to share for the house expenses, especially if my budget is too tight. I can ask/borrow money from my parents or from Kuya if I feel like being a stingy on my salary. I can request Mama to buy the things I need (or want) without paying her back J. I can spend my income with anything I desire. I can live day by day without thinking of how my future will become, because I am certain that even if the worse comes to worst, my family will back me up. But this is not the life I have dreamt of. I did not study hard from reputable schools just to live the way I am living now.
I do have action plans in mind, but then again, they will just be plans unless executed. I want to believe that I am just in the stage of life enjoyment, but I have realized that life can still be enjoyed while building the future.
Just two days from now, I will be 23 years old, yet what is currently happening to my life is not what I have dreamt of. I have envisioned far better than this. But who cares? This is my life, and I want to be my own master. I will continue dreaming and will never stop. And one of these days, I will surely become a living proof that dreaming combined with the right attitude and approach, no matter how difficult life can be, will forever be worth it.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
yes woman
Will there be any way for the Philippine agencies to function properly and efficiently? No hocus-pocus… No under-the-the-table transactions… Fudge!!!
I went to LTO earlier to process some documents. Before stepping on their territory, I have done my assignment already. I visited their website to double-check if my requirements were already complete. I also psyched myself not to talk to any fixer. But when I arrived at Pasay City District Office, I felt that I ought to say yes to everything. It seemed that I portrayed the role of Jim Carey in Yes Man. Grrr!!! I could have done something to say no, but I was able to do nothing. Wasn’t it genuine stupidity? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Apparently, when it comes to what we call intellectual aspects, I certainly cannot be deceived. But when it comes to the practical aspects, I feel that I am becoming dumber and dumber. F*ck! Will I just be good in the philosophy and not in the implementation? Not in all facets though, but in things like acquiring government-related credentials wherein you have to deal with diverse people—many of which have made fooling other individuals as a way of living.
Will there be any way for the Philippine agencies to function properly and efficiently? I am positive that there will be, but it will be a long and tedious refurbishment. It will really take time to make each person, or each Filipino in particular, realize how integrity must be valued. For now, we are left with no choice but to bear the never-ending lines, gazillion seconds of wait time, and many (again, it’s many, not all) money-driven government employees in the local agencies like Land Transportation Office. The choice is ours to say a yes or a no.
I went to LTO earlier to process some documents. Before stepping on their territory, I have done my assignment already. I visited their website to double-check if my requirements were already complete. I also psyched myself not to talk to any fixer. But when I arrived at Pasay City District Office, I felt that I ought to say yes to everything. It seemed that I portrayed the role of Jim Carey in Yes Man. Grrr!!! I could have done something to say no, but I was able to do nothing. Wasn’t it genuine stupidity? Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!
Apparently, when it comes to what we call intellectual aspects, I certainly cannot be deceived. But when it comes to the practical aspects, I feel that I am becoming dumber and dumber. F*ck! Will I just be good in the philosophy and not in the implementation? Not in all facets though, but in things like acquiring government-related credentials wherein you have to deal with diverse people—many of which have made fooling other individuals as a way of living.
Will there be any way for the Philippine agencies to function properly and efficiently? I am positive that there will be, but it will be a long and tedious refurbishment. It will really take time to make each person, or each Filipino in particular, realize how integrity must be valued. For now, we are left with no choice but to bear the never-ending lines, gazillion seconds of wait time, and many (again, it’s many, not all) money-driven government employees in the local agencies like Land Transportation Office. The choice is ours to say a yes or a no.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)