more in 2009

Time surely flies fast. Two days from now, a new year will start. I will soon be 23 years old, yet it seems that nothing is happening to my life. This is too much of a repose (if I can tag it as such). I need a new challenge, an adventure to embark on.
I currently enjoy every facet in being a coach, apart from one thing—salary. I do not get to enjoy the amount I am obtaining now, in the same way I got pleasure from my wage when I was still in sales. Simply put, I am presently obtaining less than what I was getting before. It may be ironic but the promotion made me earn a smaller amount every payday. Funny. Perhaps I will just go back to sales, but I am certain that this idea will not be easily implemented. Another option maybe is to look for another employer. However, with the global economic crisis which resulted to business recession and company lay off, I do not think that venturing to this option will be a good move. Thus, I am left with no choice but to stay. Cool.
Every time I see or hear anything related to UP, I somehow go ballistic. I just miss everything about it perhaps, to the point that I want to study there again, regardless of the degree or whatever the outcome will be. I just want to bring back the life of being a student—carefree. Stupid, I know. This may also be one of the reasons behind my LAE experience. I kept thinking that I would have no life outside being a UP law student…that my world would stop if I do not get into UP College of Law. But I have proven myself wrong. I have neglected the fact that the rest of the universe is surely there waiting to be noticed.
Apparently, the downfall of not achieving the UP-law-school-dream was not easy to accept. The redemption from this so called failure was never painless and trouble-free. But here I am, smirking now on the things that I have gone through. I must admit that once in a while, I still think that it was too bad I was not able to make it. But out of realization, I deem that I needed all of these experiences to let go of being UP-centric, and to appreciate the things that can be seen in the other side of the wall.
I know I desired to take up law, and to eventually become a lawyer. Even my personality, according to most, if not all of the people I know, suits my dream. But nowadays, practicality plays a big factor in an individual’s way of living. If I will be fortunate enough to become a law student, say in Ateneo or San Beda (no more UP for me please!), I will spend four years to finish the degree. I will be 27 years old by then already. Another year must be utilized for the BAR exam. What if I do not pass the exam immediately? What if I will need to take it for the second or the third time? Not a good idea to entertain though! I will also need at least five years to establish my profession. OMG! 33, 34, 35 years old? Spare me! This is perhaps one of the roads less traveled, but I prefer to take a different route—a road less traveled still, yet a road much more practical to be traveled. An MBA in Ateneo maybe? Why not? If ever, I will then be a maroon-slash-blue blooded alumna. I love it!
(Almost) Two years is long enough for this relaxation. It is but right for me to reach an objective again, not just to regain my pride, but to give direction to my life as well. New year, new aim. Cheers to a happy, productive and successful 2009!

nice move

I am the type of person who is transparent when it comes to things that I totally refuse to do. So if I say a hard no to something, just stop there. Do not force me to do it. Otherwise, everyone will regret the next thing that is bound to happen.
Mama obliged me to do something today. I am sure that she already has this clear idea that I would not be willing to do it. Yet, she pushed me several times. What happened next was something everyone would not desire to take place. I even overheard my mother saying, “Sana ‘di na lang siya (pertaining to me) lumabas”. God knows I also wished so, but heck! It was just so funny to me, but I appeared to be a bitch to everyone.
People say that mothers know best. This is also applicable to me. Mama can absolutely describe me from head to foot. It was just so weird for her to impose something to me earlier. Perhaps, since she can read me, she deliberately invoked me to do those irritating acts. Maybe, just maybe, at the back of her mind, she intended those things to transpire. If that is the case, that would be so wise of her.

two and counting

When I was a child, I was taught to take my education seriously and excel in it. It was instilled to me that graduating will be my ticket to easily acquire a good-paying profession. But I guess I was blinded until I became a teenager. I discovered that the unemployment and the underemployment rates have been sky-rocketing, despite the economic progress the government has been boasting about. Right then and there, I accepted the idea that being a college graduate will not guarantee me to become well off in the near future. Even graduating with flying colors from a reputable school like UP will just be a common condition. Since a number of people are finishing their degrees year after year, and there has long been a scanty job opportunities, the competition to get a first-rate career will surely be tough.
Yet, I strived to graduate as a salutatorian in elementary, a second honorable mention in high school and a cum laude in college. It was an arduous journey for I did not just focus on academics. I had joined a lot of organizations to hone my other talents and skills. With this, I believe, I became prominent enough to be recognized by many in all the campuses I have acquired my education from. After 17 years, the academe has produced a brilliant, idealistic, street-wise and rational me. Not to mention that I am being anchored with intense confidence and pride.
I am not so proud now that I work in a call center. Why? It is because of the stereotype—that it is a no-brainer industry, that it is a nest of vices and sex, that the movement from one position to a higher one is effortless. Well, these may be true in some, but definitely not all centers, like Dell. Not all Filipinos are aware that it is a big company in the US. This already projects the fact that Dell is very much reputable. Another thing will be the promotion. I can attest how difficult it is to go to a higher notch. I frittered sweat, blood and tears just to become a coach. And I bet that huge tanks are still to be filled up to go to a higher spot. These things may be disclaimers, but they are true. People may react otherwise, but I will say one thing, “Go and see it yourselves.” that is if you will get in Dell, in the first place.
When I do something, I give my heart and soul. This may be the reason why, in spite of a salary that is just enough to pay my cab fare everyday, I do not leave Dell. I am thinking that if I resign, everything that I worked hard for will just be gone in vain. Everything will just be wasted. Hence, though I deem that I am now a work slave, I bear it. I do not have savings anymore. Nothing is left for my wants as well. Nevertheless, I stay. My string is long enough yet it has its ends. Every business man knows that if the return of his/her investment is already negative, an action must be done. In my case, it will be to look for a greener pasture. I will not be so stupid to tolerate such an obvious exploitation for a much longer time.
Since I was raised giving premium on education, I dreamed of becoming a lawyer. My educational path was leaning towards affixing the abbreviation A-T-T-Y before my name. Unfortunately, due to certain circumstances, I was not given the opportunity to attend law school immediately after acquiring my bachelor’s degree. I am certain that this dream will not wither, for I believe my passion is there. So definitely, this can wait. But for now, let me be practical. Let there be a silent period between law entrance examinations and me. Let me pacify myself.
If I have outclassed school, I will certainly do extremely well as a coach now. Two promotions within one year have been accomplished. The counting then continues.

so long

For quite some time, I had been living a life of no direction, no aspiration. Because of a ruined goal, I had been sleeping and waking up everyday without any plans for my future. These were the times when I usually act first before I think. It was enjoyable at first. I took pleasure in every adventure. But eventually, I got tired of being spontaneous—being impulsive. It was not easy to face the consequences of every off beam instantaneous decision. From this folly, I came back to my senses. But I never did this all by myself. My family would always be there to back me up. But the greatest revelation, that even I did not expect, was the help I acquired from the team SWAT. They made me realize that one stagger is not strong enough to mess my whole life up. They made me feel that I have so much talents and abilities that are yet to be shared, and be established.
And now, another milestone for me has come. I have to move, not to turn my back from an erstwhile challenge, but to further develop myself by handling a greater duty.
To you, team SWAT, is my grandest appreciation. May you continue to inspire everyone by being the best while upholding the integrity we have fortified.
Snipers?! Shoot!!!

Which Between the Two

Events, rallies, tambayans, people, performing, education, pride—these are the things I truly miss in the premiere state university. I miss them so badly that I almost feel that something in me has gone astray. So I would want to find my way back and take pleasure again in the things I am currently pining for. But I have already failed several times to the point that I would want to give up. And the yearning never stops. It just keeps on getting worse.
I can say that I have a different life now—life of an adult, life of independence. I do not think of researches, projects and exams anymore to acquire my degree and become a cum laude graduate. I am now mulling over promotion and obtaining a higher job grade. I do not budget the weekly allowance my parents give me any longer. I am now contemplating on how to apportion my salary for leisure, needs and, uhhhmmmm savings?? Hahaha! I do enjoy this kind of life. But the question is ‘until when?’. I am now jaded, though I am trying my best to keep the fire burning. But then again, ‘until when?’. I cannot convince myself that this may already be the life I will grow old with, for this is not the life I dreamed of and struggled for.
It was the opening of UAAP last Saturday. For UP is this season’s host, I and my co-workers who are iskos ans iskas as well have long planned to watch this live. But because of being oblivious of university updates, I did not know that our schedule for Baguio trip would hinder me to enliven my maroon blood. I had no choice then but just to watch it from the hotel. I really wanted to cheer with the crowd and act as if I am beating my bass drum for UP Pep Squad. But I knew I would look stupid. And so I tamed myself and tried to be quiet while gazing at the tv. And I suddenly felt sad for I am quite not sure if I will be a part of Peyups again. I went through a lot of frustrations already. And I will never know if I will still have the guts to return.
I certainly miss UP. But how will I resolve this? Will I continue enduring the nostalgia? Or will I go back and live the life of an Iskolar ng Bayan again?

losing grip

It is so hard to stay in a setup where you are not treasured. You try your best to be appreciated but then, everything seems to be gone in vain. Through your own efforts, you got your wings in preparation to soar, yet empowered beings deprive you to do so. Until such time that you get tired of waiting…tired of hoping…tired of pushing… You are losing your grip. You want to let go of the things, just like that—friendship, happiness, experiences, memories—leave the works you devoted yourself to.
And now I strongly feel it. I am being defeated by negativity. Rescue me, I plead! For I am to lose this very firm grip.

shattered dream…again…

It not just hurts. It hurts so badly that it makes me think that the wounds will not ever be healed. Fuck! Why would they let me taste triumph when they would just make it a letdown in the end? Don’t I deserve it? Am I not worthy to be a UP Law student?
I failed LAE the first time. It was last year. I can still remember how I cried just to let the disappointment pass. And moving up from that stumble was not easy. It took me a lot of guts to decide to take LAE for the second time. And so I passed it, finally. The feeling then was beyond description. I could not believe that I was just one step closer to being an Iskolar ng Bayan again from the College of Law. Just when I thought that my expertise—elocution, communication, argumentation—would bring me to what I am longing to be, I was not qualified to be a law freshman in my beloved alma mater. Another failure. Another struggle. Another planning to straighten my life up. It is just so sad to think that the university I love and highly respect is not giving me a chance to become a part of it again. It rejected me! Why? I will never know. The panelists did not like me? Maybe. But one thing is for sure. They lost a chance to acquire a good student. They think I am too idealistic? What will make our country better now? Isn’t it idealism? What makes those panelists and other professors stay in that university to teach, knowing that they are not compensated well? It is idealism. What makes the non-LAE qualifiers become BAR topnotchers? IDEALISM! How can we dream if we do not think what is ideal? So I will cut the crap. I was not given the chance to get public-service oriented education AGAIN? Then let it be. I will not grieve so much. I have already shown my frustration enough. As what they say, (1) when a door closes, a window opens, and (2) everything happens for a reason. I still have one year to decide whether I will really take up law or not.
Being a great professional is not just an effect of the school a person attended. It is primarily on the individual’s prerogative. So what does this entail? UP is not the only school. There are other universities waiting for individuals like me. So why would I stop being idealistic? Why would I stop dreaming?

i am to be judged

I am to be judged on April 1. Fuck! I am so nervous. This may make or break my dream of becoming a UP Law student. Nobody knows what the outcome will be.
I know for a fact that I am used to speeches, interviews, elocution. Other people also tell me so. But what if April 1 is my so called unlucky day? I hope not. I need myself to be fully in control of the whole conversation in this interview. What will their questions be? Me? Politics? Current affairs? Is this a time to be omniscient (though I know this is impossible)?
Preparation may be the key to surpass this phase. But how? The interviewers may ask questions beyond my knowledge. Crap! I guess I just have to be myself all throughout. No pretensions! I must never forget that this interview will be like a cross examination in a courtroom. It will be a picture of a witness being questioned by prosecutor or defendant—my profession-to-be.

hunt for truth

I find it obsequious how my co-workers ask me about my view on Lozada’s revelations. They really look at me now as a future lawyer. Yet I find it weird that I enjoy going over the details of the country’s search for truth about the ZTE Broadband deal, rather than concentrating on my job.
Rodolfo Lozada Jr. might have done lots of flaws in the past. He might not have been a reputable man, but I have this gut feel that he is trying his very best now to correct his mistakes, and to keep hold of the diminutive morality he has left for himself. So does this mean I believe in the allegations made by Jun Lozada (i.e. he was kidnapped; many of our government officials are just being manipulated by Malacañang, or by the president, in particular; corruption is rampant in our country; etc.)? Yes, I deem that ZTE issue’s star witness is telling the truth. It is not definitely just because I am anti-government, to begin with. The reason being is the rationality of the events, especially the testimonies of Lozada, versus the words of every person he is dragging in the picture. No matter how many times Lozada would reiterate his depositions, they remain consistent, unyielding. Unlike the declarations of the other side which are apparently erratic. They perhaps are having a hard time to come up with good scripts, and to acquire theatrical talents—things they claim Lozada has expertise on. Come on! Who will not give in if you are receiving tons of death threats everyday? if most, if not all eyes are now on you? if you slowly lose your friends and confidantes because of your choice to expose the fact? if many of the powerful people in the country are working against you? if the whole country is presently in turmoil because of your disclosures? if you throw away the hope to attain a peaceful life in the end? if your individuality has been mortified several times in the public? Regardless of what other people, especially your detractors, will say, the least you can do is to smile just to hide the pain, or to cry to fade the frustration out. It is quite obvious that this is not simply about line delivery and acting. This is about currently putting one’s life at risk, and possibly jeopardizing a number of lives more soon, merely to obtain the truth and to utilize this for Philippines’ upturn.
Truth is really hard to find. But despite this case, I hope that everyone hunts for truth still, not just for the truth behind the ZTE Broadband deal, but also for the truth behind happiness, enjoyment, satisfaction and peace of mind.

motivated by an SMS

Monday supposedly signifies a good start. No matter how awful your Monday gets, you must try your very best to make it at least good, if not the best day of the week, so as not to pessimistically affect the rest of the days.
I usually struggle to make my Mondays pleasant. They may not always be the ideal start of my week, but I make it a point that there would be a reason for me to continue what this day has begun. However, this week’s Monday broke the record. Nothing had made me comfortable. It really was an effort to smile and to feel cool just to absorb positive energy, yet each event would just be worse than the previous.
I plotted three days of vacation leave, but I never thought of really getting them. Who the hell will grab the opportunity to use VL’s that were not planned wisely? I mean, if I would use three consecutive days to relax instead of going to work, I would have plotted it on either of the two ways: Monday to Wednesday, or Wednesday to Friday. Why? So as to maximize my purportedly vacation. I really played astutely when I applied for my VL’s. I blocked the whole week so I would have the luxury of choosing between the options. But unfortunately, both of my applications for Monday and for Friday failed. Yeah right! I did not want to waste my rest days, so I thought of canceling them. But since this week’s Monday demoralized me, I just decided to take these three days to relax.
As what we are accustomed to do, I, Marge and Ross settled on a booze session after work. It has already been a way for us to take a breather after getting pressured in the office. We were enjoying the moments as we take pleasure in talking with Marge’s uncle, who then came over for he would be going back to the States that night. We were making fun out of the things we see and hear, until a friend passed by. I thought it would just be a simple ‘hi’, ‘hello’, ‘goodbye’, but he actually brought news which truly pissed me off. I was already getting flustered when Boss Oruen arrived, and I thought I would end my day with so much disappointment and aggravation. I was texting somebody else when I received an SMS from my dear friend, Leah. I already knew that it was about the results of LAE. Everybody else on the table was currently engaged on a conversation so I did not bother them anymore. I covered my cellular phone’s LCD for a few seconds and bravely opened the message. I did not finish reading the whole text anymore when I saw, “Ran, congrats!.” I just caught everybody’s attention when I started screaming. Hahaha!
Yes, I passed the written examination of UP College of Law. Out of thousands of hopefuls, only 301 will be scheduled for interview. I may have outdone one phase, but there is still a much harder test for me to be a completely qualified UP Law student. Only 200 aspirants will be admitted, so 101 applicants will not make it. The competition will really be tough.
Nevertheless, my very dark Monday was brightened up by a single SMS. The beginning of my week may not be as good as I was hoping it to be, but at least I have something to hold on to now to keep me fighting.