reminiscing, persisting, yearning

I ought to write something about the holiday season, but nothing is so special with my Christmas, even with my New Year. In fact, both of these most awaited times of this year have no impact to me. Nothing is exceptional. Neither is merry nor happy. I am just certain that they are already here for the television, papers, radio and internet project so. And also, at work, our rest days have become longer than the usual. But beyond these, nothing else helped me substantiate the spirit of the days I had been looking forward to each year before.
This year is really something. I can hardly go out to take a breather. When I say “go out” I mean doing things I used to do whenever Christmas vacation comes (i.e. watching MMFF movies, ‘leisurely’ strolling around the mall, going to everyone else’ Christmas parties, spending time in a coffee shop with my old classmates and friends). Instead, I just locked myself up in my room, and frittered my time watching television shows and DVD’s, surfing the internet, starting to read paperbacks (but not finishing them), eating, sleeping, and most importantly, contemplating.
I watched the year-ender special of ABS-CBN last night. Basically, I just needed something to make me fall asleep. But as each scene was flashed, I knew that the TV program was doing something more relevant than what I anticipated it to. It helped me refresh my memory on news and current affairs—aspects which were very relevant to me before (especially when I was still in UP), but are now rapidly becoming inconsequential in my way of living.
The Subic Rape Case was one of the topics in that special. I was quite shocked for I cannot believe that it has already been a year since Lance Corporal Daniel Smith was convicted. I still remember how GABRIELA fought for Nicole, who then symbolized the courage and the dignity of Filipino women. I still recall how we do RTR’s (room-to-room) and how we conduct fora, so as to update the UP community of how the case was doing. I can still think of how my voice cracked after shouting with or without using a megaphone just to lead the mass and agitate them to fight for one of the millions of victims of our government’s crooked policies. I can still imagine how dark my skin has turned out to be after all of those under-the-burning-sun demonstrations I participated in, just to express our disappointment with the state’s condition. I can still envision Nicole’s face when many people did not believe her, and tried pull her and her family down during the course of the case. I can still hark back to the times when I was well-informed on the issues our country was facing, to the point that I can readily explain and/or defend my side in front of a crowd.
Sir Michael Andrada, or Sir Mike as we call him, was featured in the show. He is a professor in the College of Arts and Letters (same college where I got my bachelor’s degree), and at the same time, I suppose still, a student taking up his MA. I never had a chance to be his student, but I am sure that he is intelligent and critical. He and his colleagues were very supportive of CAL Student Councils’ activities. I recall how he actively partook to our signature campaigns, class walk-outs, and protest rallies. We needed not to repeat ourselves if we asked favors from him, for he knew that our philosophies, objectives, and ideas were all in line.
Until now, Sir Mike is goal-oriented. I admire him for incessantly being nationalistic, and for not easily being demoralized. Aside from my professors from our department, he was one of those people who were convincing me to teach in UP as I take my MA up, instead of working outside the academe. As far as I can remember, we accidentally came across each other one afternoon in the entrance of the Faculty Center, a month or two after I graduated. He asked me about my plans, and I answered nothing else but just a sweet smile. I knew he recognized that I was still ambivalent so he expressed his thoughts, and encouraged me to pursue life within UP.
I chose to live my life outside UP, but I promised to be back after a year. However, this promise’s execution can only be determined by LAE. That is how manipulative it is now in my life. It will even manipulate if my future holiday seasons will mean something more, compared to this year’s.

thought it was a cool day

Yesterday was perhaps one of the most ridiculous days of my life.
Sleepless nights (or days, in my current case) are not new to my system. My body is so used to them that it can still be as energetic as usual, even if I have not slept at all for three or four straight days. I have proven this for numerous times already. But yesterday was a different case. I had three hours of sleep but I felt so weak. Because of this, I was not able to start my day right. No matter how hard I tried to brighten my day up and to make up for what I have begun, my fate hindered me to do so. And as the day continued, it just got worse, and even worse. Well, the bad luck took a break when I had my lunch. And I thought that the ‘magic’ would carry on. But it was just a notion that never came true.
Aside from the fact that I had a hard time meeting yesterday’s goals for the metrics, I also had a hard time talking for my voice was already cracking. I had to endure both of these until my shift ended. Just when I thought that I would already enjoy the rest of the day, I bumped into someone on my way to Shopwise. I did not go ballistic anymore for I already saw him two days ago, in almost exact same place. I was not just sure if he too, saw me then. But heck! That first encounter (after five or six months of interaction loss) made me feel uncomfortable. Several ideas during that first meeting were built on my mind, only to realize that I was over him. So apparently, that second encounter was nothing to me anymore. Maybe he saw Marge when she tried to catch my attention by grabbing my arm. But beyond that, I felt or did nothing special at all. It is but normal to be shocked (I guess) to see him in the place I never expected he would be in. But it was a simple amazement and nothing more. I did not look back. I did not think of looking back. I managed not to look back.
I still hoped that the jinx would be reverted after the day’s struggle. But my fortune pushed me further to my limits. I later found out that I am becoming a PIM again. Darn! Where should I place myself? It seems that another macho shit is challenging me. Funny! Hahaha! If that is the case, then let me play the game!
Yesterday was indeed an unfortunate day, and I certainly cannot do anything about what had already happened. But I still have the future to redeem myself.

disposition check

Am I happy? I honestly want to believe so. But I do not feel fulfilled—there is something missing. I can say that I have a satisfying life now for yes, I have a job and I earn my own money. But this is not the kind of setup I dreamed and worked hard for. I believe I deserve way greater than being a call center employee.
Call center, contact center, BPO—for me, they are one and the same. No matter how the companies try to tart up the term, it is still a ‘call center’, an industry which many people demean. Two major reasons behind: (1) no college diploma is required, (2) no-brainer-job for a script is always followed in every call. But the employers have justifications for these: (1) No college diploma is required for they give each and every individual equal chances to get hired. They believe that diploma is not the only gauge of a person’s abilities. (2) It is true that every call has a script that must be followed. But this is just a suggested script. The industry actually requires every agent to be spontaneous for one call is different from the other.
I remember that just days before I graduated, many of my professors dissuaded me to enter the call center industry. They said that I must not be enticed by the high compensation being offered, for my knowledge and philosophies will soon be corrupted there. They even added that I, being an intellectual, must not waste my talent and time for something that is not appreciated by the academe. And I agreed with them, for this was during the time when I really did not even consider applying for a position in a call center. I really expected that I will continue to further enhance my skills in UP. But look at where I am now.
Whenever college friends would ask me where I am currently working, I would just smile and say, “Secret!”. But if they already know that I work for a call center, I will always defensively respond, “Well, hell it’s Dell. It’s not just a call center.”. I do not want to talk about careers whenever I am with my blockmates. In fact, I do not want to attend our homecoming anymore, basically because I do not want my schoolmates, especially my professors, who have looked up to me and have expected a lot from me, to make a fuss out of me choosing to work for a business they deride. I bet this is about my pride—pride of being a consistent honor student ever since, pride of being a part of certain institutions which are marked by intelligence, pride of being a well-rounded individual who stands out in every aspect she engages herself into, pride of being a leader who is admired by her comrades, pride of being a political critical thinker, pride of being a known figure in the campus, pride of being a cum laude graduate of the University of the Philippines (Diliman)—the center of excellence, pride of being an achiever.
My work now is not just as easy as many people think. It is not just about answering the phone and bidding goodbye to the caller after. It takes a lot of patience and tactics. And for me, it takes a lot of humility.
I suppose I am paid well. But I just do not see myself working as such for the next two, three, or four years of my life at most. I will not be able to contain the bitterness for that long. Sooner or later, I will hand out my resignation letter and will pursue the life I truly surmised. I might have considered losing my individuality for some time, but I swear to regain it. The real Ran will surely return.

apprehensions of a PIM

A magnet is oftentimes associated with a person who attracts (intentional or not) the opposite sex (or the same sex for a number of peopleJ). And it seems good to be such! You are like a treasure which can only be won by the most deserving, most courageous hero. But it has never been an advantage to act as a magnet to those people who are already taken. Though sad and quite annoying to admit, I realized that I am becoming this type of pathetic inadvertent magnet (PIM). And I hate it!
Girls are mostly vulnerable. Show us affection, and we will easily reciprocate. Treat us even more special than usual, and we will fall for you eventually. But it would just be ill-fated of us to discover later that the guys, who we thought would soon be our knights in shining armor, actually have existing romantic relationships(sss). Worse is to learn that they have been with their girlfriends(sss) for a long time already, or that they have already been engaged. And we, being the sensitive girls, would wish and pray even harder that their relationships would soon come to an end, so we can get into the picture and get rid of the (wickedJ) girlfriend(sss) forever. Bad! But come to think of it. Who actually triggered us to be evils? These very flirtatious guys, right? They are FLIRTS! They cannot be satisfied with what they have, that they tend to hunt for more. And once they have already proven their pogi points, it will just be easy for them to leave their guinea pigs—girls they are flirting with. Ruthless! I am not sure if these guys actually have romantic feelings for their victims. Perhaps, some of them have. But more often than not, they practically flirt just to spice their lives up—they want to complicate their perfect relationships. Very selfish of them! They do not seem to mind how drastic girls can get when heartaches get on the way. Why do not they just focus on their own lives, and make the most out them? Why do they have to involve innocent girls (who were living peacefully until they came), and shortly turn them into relationship-wreckers? Why, guys? Why?
I have already committed a haunting mistake before. I obliviously acted as a PIM who, in due course, became desperate. I want to believe that I have learned my lesson from this experience. But now that I am again becoming this PIM (F*ck! What is it in me that keeps on making myself such?!), it seems that I have not suffered enough, that I still do not know where to place myself. Just like the first time, I easily fell for a flirt, and another flirt, and another flirt, and another flirt, and another flirt…(When will the counting stop for Christ’s sake? Grrrr!) But there’s one thing I am certain of right now—I will never be desperate again. I will not make myself appear ever more stupid. Once is enough! There will be no room for the same gaffe anymore.

fighting spirit

I was looking for a challenge in my work right now, for I find my tasks very humdrum. However, I never imagined putting myself into something tougher than what I looked forward to.
Being a fortunate employee, I was given a chance to take advantage of a career move. But I chose to acquire a much bigger leap—an action which, many of my officemates believe (though they would not admit), is a lose-lose situation.
Why did I choose the more rigid path, when there is a safer route available? Simple. I am in a hurry. I have to establish my career NOW. Otherwise, it will be so easy for me to resign and just be a bum, a law student, or an employee in another company. I have numerous choices. And right now, disappointment is but nothing, for I know that I will exhaust all my means to attain my goals.
Well, I know myself better than other people do. And I recognize for a fact that NEVER in my life did I put myself into something where I did not excel (…given that I have done my part, for I have failed UP Law once. Sh*t!) I have history as my witness. This was not just about being lucky enough. This was basically because I work really hard when I engage myself into something. Believe me when I say that I do not want lousy results. (Who the hell does, by the way?) I always strive to be one of the bests, if not the best, among the group.
My abilities will then be tested in three weeks time. And a week after this three-week long training, I am yet to face UP LAE (once more!). My golly! Suicidal it is, only if I think so. But for now, there is no room for failure. I have already let myself down once. I will not make it happen again.

perhaps i care

I just feel I am struggling for relevant information nowadays. I do not watch television anymore. This hinders me to acquire knowledge of news and current affairs, which were readily available when I was still in UP. F*ck! Here I go again, missing everything in UP…well, specifically being tagged as clued-up.
I hate the fact that I am unable to keep track of de Venecia-Neri-Abalos-ZTE Broadband deal trial on television. I just read the papers, which apparently lack the drama and nonverbal acts (i.e. the ‘exciting’ and ‘entertaining’ parts).
We often regard the Philippine technocrats as dirty, corrupt and dishonest parasites. That is why stereotyping is never good. I agree with Isagani Cruz when he said that some politicians (very few, that is) are truthful, but not just brave enough (evidently referring to former NEDA Sec. Romulo Neri). The executive privilege Neri was posing was perceptibly not for his own welfare, but to cover up the puppet, fascist and self-centered leader of the Philippine government. Hay!
Being workaholic is never an excuse to be ignorant and irrational. We must not settle for anything deficient at hand. Hence, we have to seek for the whole picture and build prudent viewpoints out of it. Not only we test our critical thinking ability, but we also project that we are not apathetic Filipinos.

ironic harmony

Math has always been a nightmare to many people. They are so scared of the subject that they even avoid taking up college courses that have mathematics in the curricula. Communication, in general, is a popular choice of arithmetic haters. Speech communication must be then one of them. And so, must I be a loser in math? No way! I have been a math aficionado during my elementary and high school days. I even joined several competitions in this field. And during college, though we were not required to do so, I took six units of math where I got 1.0 in each subject. Amazing! And now that mathematics has been out of my custom for the past 3 years, I am proud to say that it has never left my system. I have proven this in my LAE review. While most of my classmates have already forgotten solving many of the problems, I take pleasure in answering each item in the modules. I do not recall ‘few’ of the formulae anymore, which is but normal for a person who has no practice in math for more than 3 years (duh! defensive!). But when the instructor initiates the solution, I can always follow. Haha!

In life, letting go of something that a person has truly loved will really be arduous, if not impossible. And so, I will always love math in spite of what my degree has entailed. It seems unlikely, but I am a Speech Communication graduate, who is a math enthusiast as well. An irony you say? To me, they are of harmony.

putting up with serenity

Peaceful. This is how I am to describe my life right now. It is not exciting like I would really want it to be. But at least, it has no complications.
It has already been almost two months now since I started to work. I still do not truly find the enjoyment in it. However, I am managing to stay and to keep up with the pressure the job apportions.
I will start my UP LAE review on Sunday. It will be another task which will surely make me even busier. It can also be a potential door for my future. It can make me qualify to the UP College of Law for the coming academic year.
My options are nevertheless open. I can choose to continue working for the next n years of my life. I can also decide on pursuing my dream to become a lawyer, if a reputable law school would let me pass their entrance exam. But as of now, I am left with no alternative but to bear the tedium of my everyday routine.

A Dangerous Abuser

On February 8, 2007, with 16-2 votes, the Senate passed the Republic Act 9372, more often referred to as Anti-Terrorism Act, on final reading. The Bicameral Conference Committee of both the Senate and the Lower House ratified its full version in a special session called upon by President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo.
RA 9372, euphemistically known as the Human Security Act of 2007 was enacted to protect life, liberty and property from acts of terrorism, to condemn terrorism as inimical and dangerous to the national security of the country and to the welfare of the people, and to make terrorism a crime against the Filipino people, against humanity, and against the law of nations. However, in the essence, it is but a law created out of the so-called need for a solution to fight the alleged problem of terrorism (e.g. Abu Sayyaf Group-ASG, the Jemaah Islamiya-JI, Al Qaeda-AQ, etc.)—a law which ‘defines’ and ‘penalizes’ terrorism.
HSA defines terrorism as the commission of crimes (i.e. rebellion, murder, kidnapping, hijacking, etc.) that sow or create widespread and extraordinary fear and panic among the populace in order to coerce the government to give in to an unlawful demand. HSA also presents the new crime of conspiracy to commit terrorism when two or more persons come to an agreement concerning the commission of the crime of terrorism and decide to commit the same.
The law’s definition of terrorism is vague, overbroad and highly susceptible to abuse. When does a widespread and extraordinary fear and panic happen? Who is/are exactly the populace? How does a demand become unlawful?
With this definition, terrorism suddenly becomes an all-encompassing crime. It is not just limited to ASG, JI, AQ. Even legitimate disagreement can be construed as such. With no specific criteria to guide our law enforcers, HSA immediately bequeaths them the indefinite discretion to determine if a person is engaged in terrorism or in conspiracy to commit terrorism.
The ambiguity of terrorism in HSA makes the law dangerous. But the R.A.’s provisions such as the authorization of preventive detention, expansion of the power of warrantless arrest, and permission for unchecked invasion of our privacy, liberty and other basic rights, make the law even more dangerous.
Section 17 provides that an organization, association or group of persons that is organized for the purpose of engaging in terrorism, or, although not so organized, actually engages in acts of terrorism, may be outlawed or proscribed as a ‘terrorist organization.’
The prohibition of organizations on the grounds that they are ‘terrorists’ is not only unclear and uncertain. It also forbids free speech and suppresses the right to peacefully assemble and to appeal to the government.
Section 19 states that in the event of an actual or imminent terrorist attack, persons suspected of terrorism may be arrested and detained without charges for as long as the detention is approved by a judge of the municipal or regional trial court, the Sandiganbayan or a justice of the Court of Appeals nearest the place of the arrest or by ‘a municipal, city, provincial or regional office of a Human Rights Commission.’ It is not evident whether the ‘Human Rights Commission’ mentioned here is the same as the constitutionally established Commission on Human Rights.
Section 26 provides that in cases where evidence of guilt is not strong, and the person charged with the crime of terrorism or conspiracy to commit terrorism is entitled to bail and is granted the same, the court, upon application by the prosecutor, shall limit the right of travel of the accused to within the municipality or city where he resides or where the case is pending. He or she may also be placed under house arrest by order of the court at his or her usual place of residence. While under house arrest, he or she may not use telephones, cellphones, e-mails, computers, the internet or other means of communications with people outside the residence until otherwise ordered by the court.
These and other similar provisions contravene the right to liberty, to be presumed innocent, to due process of law, to equal protection under the law, to a fair trial, to travel and to privacy of communication and correspondence.
Section 7 states that a police or law enforcement official and the members of his team may, upon a written order of the Court of Appeals, listen to, intercept and record, with the use of any mode, form, kind or type of electronic or other surveillance equipment or intercepting and tracking devices, or with the use of any other suitable ways and means for that purpose, any communication, message, conversation, discussion, or spoken or written words between members of a judicially declared and outlawed terrorist organization, association, or group of persons or of any person charged with or suspected of the crime of terrorism or conspiracy to commit terrorism.
This provision defies due process, since those under surveillance or wiretapping are expelled from taking part in the proceeding to the damage of their life and liberty. They are not notified of the application or any such authorization order against them. They are not permitted to dispute such application or any evidence that may be brought against them. They are not allowed to present evidence on their own behalf as well.
Section 27 provides that the justices of the Court of Appeals designated as a special court to handle anti-terrorism cases after satisfying themselves of the existence of probable cause in a hearing called for that purpose that (1) a person charged with or suspected of the crime of terrorism or conspiracy to commit terrorism, (2) of a judicially declared and outlawed terrorist organization, association, or group of persons, and (3) of a member of such judicially declared and outlawed organization, association, or group of persons, may authorize in writing any police or law enforcement officer and the members of his/her team duly authorized in writing by the anti-terrorism council to: (a) examine, or cause the examination of, the deposits, placements, trust accounts, assets and records in a bank or financial institution; and (b) gather or cause the gathering of any relevant information about such deposits, placements, trust accounts, assets, and records from a bank or financial institution. The bank or financial institution concerned shall not refuse to allow such examination or to provide the desired information, when so ordered by and served with the written order of the Court of Appeals.
The power to investigate bank deposits and finances of persons or entities suspected to be engaged in terrorism or conspiracy to commit terrorism is intensely upsetting. Law enforcers are equipped with the resilient carte blanche to question about the bank deposits of persons who are simply alleged to be terrorists. Worse, these examinations could lead to events of extortion, blackmail or even be the groundwork for kidnapping committed by blundering law enforcers or syndicates.
Anyone may be placed under house arrest, prohibited from using their cell phones, computers and any other means of communication, even when they are granted bail on the ground that evidence of guilt is not strong. They may also be subjected to surveillance and wiretapping, as well as examination, sequestration and freezing of bank deposits and other assets, on mere suspicion that they are members of a ‘terrorist organization.’
Apparently, HSA is one of the most incoherent and disorganized laws our Congress has ever passed. A mix-and-match collection of 62 sections, the law has no distinct structure, no headings or subheadings, and no groupings of sections. Provisions follow one another without logical connection. Some sections even contradict each other. While others simply make no sense. With these, it is clear that the Human Security Act of 2007 is indeed a dangerous law.
HSA gives GMA and her minions every license to violate human rights. It even excuses them in any possible increase in the number of extrajudicial killings, enforced disappearances, and filing of fabricated charges against government critics. Will we continue allowing them?
We must say ‘never again to another martial law’. Let us resist and defy state terror by exposing and opposing rampant abuses to human rights. We can use legal means to stop the implementation of HSA such as the repealing of the law, and/or querying the law before the Supreme Court.
The strength of unity has been tested several times already. And this will forever be our weapon against the dark policies of the government. If dissenting PGMA’s crooked system is to be considered as an act of terrorism, then let us all be terrorists!

Sources:
• Diokno, Jose Manuel. “FAQs on the Human Security Act.” Philippine Daily Inquirer. July, 2007.
• R.A. 9372 – Human Security Act of 2007
• The Anti-Terrorism Act: Recipe for Undeclared Martial Law. Powerpoint Presentation. Philippines: Bagong Alyansang Makabayan (Bayan), 2007.

mind over matter

Just recently, I realized that I am having a selective amnesia. And it is so weird that I am having this abnormality only in one particular aspect—happiness.
I feel so stupid to keep on thinking that I am satisfied with what I do everyday for the past month. I am like a fool making myself believe that it is just but normal to have a monotonous practice, to force yourself to love something you initially are not interested in, to keep yourself in a very low profile when you know for a fact that you can definitely shine.
If I am to describe my life right now, I would not say that happiness always gets on my way. Actually, it seems to be out of reach most of the time, to the point that I am already getting used to this setup. I am just thankful that I have my family and friends to remind me what happiness is. It is just so difficult for me to experience the contention between my mind and my feelings. My personality is so strong that it easily accepts the challenge of my brain. So it looks as if I am currently having this internal explosion that will soon produce a malignant hemorrhoid (if only there is such a thing).
Am I happy? I think. Therefore I am. Mind over matter, they say.

kung sino ka mang GAGO

Matalino ka? Hindi halata! Dapat kasi nag-iisip ka muna bago ka magsalita—inaalam ang mga bagay-bagay upang makapagbigay ng mga kuru-kuro. Pumuputak ka lang ata e! Hindi mo ginagamit kukote mo. Kung talagang madunong ka, kinikilala mo muna kung sinong binabangga mo. At talagang ako pa ang iyong napili?! Mukha ba akong mahina? Utu-uto? Ewan ko na lang sa’ yo!
Matapang ka? Hindi rin! Yabang lang yan! Patuloy ka namang nagkukubli sa ipinagmamalaki niyong kapatiran. Malakas lang loob mo kapag nagsama kayo ng mga kauri mo. Pero kung ikaw lang mag-isa, makakapag-angas ka pa ba? Subukan mo kayang magpatukoy sa akin? Sabihin mo nang harap-harapan ang mga biro mong nakakasakit. Hindi yung malalaman ko pa sa iba na nanggagago ka na pala.
Galit ako? Siguro naman. Kung hindi mo napapansin, maliban sa isang tula para diyan sa brod mo, ito lang ang tagalog na pahayag dito. Marahil naman, pansin mong kakaiba ang epekto ng ginawa mo.
Hindi ako palaaway na tao, pero sinimulan mo ako. Sa tingin mo ba, ako yung tipong walang pakialam? E tanga ka! Wala naman akong ginagawa sa’ yo. Hindi ka naman naapektuhan sa kung anuman ang inasal ko. Ni hindi nga kita kilala. Siguro nga, kilala mo ako. Pero sigurado akong wala sa katiting ang kaalaman mo sa buo kong pagkatao. Ngunit nangahas ka pa ring magbigay ng mga opinyong walang sapat na basehan. Hindi ako perpekto. Maraming kasalanan na rin ang nagawa ko sa buhay ko. Pero para malaman mo, isa sa mga pinakamatinding kasalanan ko ay ang makilala ko yang brod mo!
Nirerespeto ko ang kapatiran niyo noong una. Hinahangaan ko pa nga. Pero kung lahat ng miyembro niyo ay katulad mo, e wala na! Mga tsismoso at pakialamero! Mga lalaki pa naman kayo! Matuto kayong rumispeto! Huwag niyo gawing katatawanan ang mga bagay-bagay na seryoso para sa ibang tao. Kung may nais kayong punahin sa gawi ng mga miyembro niyo, huwag kayong mandamay ng kung sinuman na labas sa samahan niyo. Kailanman, wala kayong karapatan para mambastos!

you and yellow don’t match

I was enjoying the comfort of staying again in UP SPECA tambayan, when I first (ever!) saw you passed by FC parking lot. I was quite sure you would already be late for your class for it was already 1:17pm. But still, I could not see any hint of rush from you. In fact, it looked as if you were not minding the time then, as you took pleasure in gulping your Coke. Well yes, I was looking at you. And so did some of my orgmates. You were oblivious of it. We quickly examined your appearance and manners as you walked towards CNB. I just went pretty frenzied and defensive when a number of them uttered that you looked jologs. Nevertheless, though it somehow miffed me to admit, I must agree with them.
After a while, Marge and I, hoping to see ‘teacher’ Amy in her class, decided to go to CNB. I am not your stalker, ok?! Duh! You just wish! I was actually surprised when you were the first person I saw the moment I stepped on the second floor. I am sure you were shocked. But I did not intend to appear before you. Swear! I suppose it was just my luck (?), the same thing that happened last Tuesday.
Rej and Marge made me realize that you like yellow tops. You must have an idea how significant your favorite shirts were in all of those unforeseen encounters. Just a thought for you to ponder, and I quote Marge, “You seem to love color yellow, but color yellow does not love you.” Do you get it? And just for you to know, I hate your yellow shirts! I hate your hair! I hate your sorta humpback! I hate your macho shitness! I hate your philosophy about women and relationships! I hate your irresponsibility! I badly want to hate YOU!!! But I can’t! I simply cant! Damn it!

going back home

Graduation, contrary to what I thought, is not actually ‘the end’ of my college days. After marching on the field of Quezon Hall, I would still need to apply for my transcript of records, diploma, and other papers that will certify that I have beaten the four tedious years of being a UP student. And knowing the UP-style of the phases I have to go through just to acquire all of these, I would just have to say, “Goodluck, Ran.” Haha!
Just to pull off a part of what I am compelled to do, I went back to UP just this afternoon. And I must say that it felt like I went back home. Every step I took in the campus was magical in a sense. I was like a celebrity for excitedly greeting every person I know. If not only because of the odious weather, I could have exhibited the smile on my face the whole time. Too bad the heat was spoiling my delight. But it was nothing compared to the totality of the pleasure I have gained.
I still had to go to Eastwood after requesting for TOR, so I asked Rej to come with me to get a cab. I was not really expecting it (though I was kinda hoping for it), but while waiting under the shed, I had a glimpse of ‘him’ from afar. Oh God! Was he looking at me? I think he was. But why would I be foolish to confirm it? It already ended, Ran. Oh no! How would it end if it has not even begun? Haha! My goodness! I will not dare to make it hard for me again! Anyway…J
UP is not just a university—an academic institution. It will forever be a home where a part of me is molded. Hence, I will incessantly be grateful to UP kong mahal, pamantasang hirang.
One year. Give me just one year. I shall return, UP.

sweet distress

And so my healthy living was disrupted… Ohhh gosh!!!
It was Auie and Tricia’s 32nd monthsary yesterday. We all gathered for a small celebration last night in our new haven (yeah bhoyy! sooo excited!), where I completely lost my pledge to abide by the convention of a healthy living. Stupid me for I had countless puffs! I easily succumbed to my craving when I saw an open pack. Much worse was the fact that I took in a lot (really A LOT) of alcohol.
It was really a torture when I woke up this morning. But despite the fatal back pain (especially in the nape), terrible headache, sore throat, and zits breakout, nothing can be compared with the bonding we had last night. There could have been interference in what I am forcing myself to be conditioned to, but I will still be looking forward to more of these sessions.

getting there

I have always been told that being a student and being a professional are two different things. But I never imagined that my life will have a drastic change once I totally get outside the academic institution. I am on my own, with no one to depend on but myself alone. For I am already an adult, I must act, think, speak like an adult. Awwww! Pressure!
I miss school, I must admit. But I guess I am truly taking pleasure in what I do right now, for me to trounce this longing easily. I enjoy being challenged—being whitewashed—and being the victor in the end. I am still bugged with a number of thoughts right now. But for sure, time will help me pave my way to serenity and to success. Kudos!

Long Overdue Gratitude Expression

Out of boredom, I tried searching my name in google. Several results came out, but one item caught my attention—my name was stated in a blog entry. I was really curious so I checked it out. It was an account of a UP student who voted in the last USC elections.
When I lost in the councilor race, I admit I was demoralized. With all the efforts and sacrifices I exhausted, losing in the elections still made me think that I might not have done my best. I reflected on the idea that I perhaps, was not able to show the sincerity I got to serve UP, the country and the people in general. To me, then, UP has spoken and the students do not want me to be their USC Councilor. It took me quite a long while to accept what happened and to continue working on the responsibilities I left undone because of the campaign.
Though I can now say that I am perfectly over the idea of losing in the USC elections, reading such an online journal account nevertheless boosts my ego. The blogger voted me, and yes, he believed in my abilities. Not just that! I noticed that he remembered my whole name, while the other candidates (except for Ali) were cited using their nicknames—those that were often repeated and emphasized in the campaign. Like in my case, it was ‘Ran’—Ranelene RAN (rumbling voice) Ortinez, running (high pitch) for USC Councilor. Hahaha! I bet my spiel really left a mark. Nice!
I never had a chance to thank those people who chose me in their ballots. So even just through my own simple (and oh so late) way, I would like to express my appreciation to every individual who has supported my candidacy. Thank you so much for having faith in me, and in every one else in STAND-UP USC 07′-08′ slate! J
I am afraid that because of personal reasons, I have to be away for a while. I would need to fix my life first and regain my senses back. And when the right time comes for me to truly return to my alma mater, I am certain to have a better, stronger, and bolder me. And right then, I will try not to make my life boring again.

what goes around, comes around

Here I go again—thinking, planning…
Being a bum gives me so much time to contemplate. And I cannot bear it, because just lately, I realized that I am becoming a thwarting planner. I planned to be a law student, to be a student leader again, to go to Bora, to stay in Parañaque when I work. But as caused by some uncontrolled circumstances, all my plans have not been implemented. Funny. Or should I say, disheartening. Imagine, I would be giving too much time and effort just to weigh things out and to reflect on what I would really want to do. But in the end, everything would just be gone in vain and I would be left hanging. Furthermore, I would be obliged to do nothing else but to come up with another plan just to move on. Yet again, it would turn out that the supposed solution would be fruitless. Nice.
That is why I miss being busy. I miss those times when I could hardly mull over anything else because I had to accomplish all my tasks. I miss having sleepless nights just to carry out my academic or extra curricular duties. I miss going to class. I miss being terrorized by my professors. I miss doing papers. I miss attending meetings. I miss my thesis days and nights. I miss going to the library. I miss reporting. I miss educational discussions. I miss comprehending readings. I miss delivering speeches. I miss CSC’s. I miss performing. I miss mobs. I miss the enrolment. I miss walking from FC, to AS, to NIGS, to Math Building, back to FC, to Vinzons. I miss my orgs. I miss riding Ikot and Toki jeeps. I miss Oble. I miss UP. But I guess I just miss being preoccupied, and doing the stuff I used to do for the four years of my stay in my beloved Alma Mater.
I am glad that I am gradually letting go of the bits and pieces I thought I will never learn to let go. I did not plan this. I am simply going with the flow of my everyday life.
I will never know what I would do in the future. I will start working on July 16 (yeah right! over a month more to go! bum galore!) and I am not sure if I will desire to stay long in that company. Perhaps, after working for a while, I will pursue going to UP Law School or to Ateneo Law School. Or maybe, I will look for a much better local job. I can even possibly go abroad and try my luck there. Better not plan it. I will just grab any ‘good’ opportunity that will come my way.

sorta…kinda…

I was deleting some craps in my email account when I discovered that I long failed to notice a very interesting forwarded message. Subject: “parang kayo pero di kayo”. One word immediately flashed in my mind—fling. And true enough, the mail was about it.
Fling, to Mr. Webster and his associates, is (1) vb. to throw forcefully, impetuously, or casually, (2) vb. to place or send suddenly and unceremoniously, (3) vb. to give unrestrainedly, (4) n. a casual try or involvement, (5) n. a casual or brief love affair, (6) n. a period devoted to self-indulgence. Based on what I understand, a fling is not actually a person (as the Philippine pop culture dictates so), but a situation where an individual gets to be romantically associated with someone, without having any commitment at all.
I just wonder why there must be an existent circumstance, such as flinging, when specificities can rightfully be declared. Nothing in this type of relationship can be demanded, thus making each party prone to heartaches. If a legal, formal and real relationship will not be feasible, why not lay the cards down right from the moment the impossibility is discovered? Why do we have to draw out complexities when we can be straightforward? Why do we have to allow people to look stupid of being hopefuls for nothing, when we can always let them go, and let them surmise their viable pleasing future? Why do we have to be unfair when we can always defy the prejudice? And fundamentally, why can we be satisfied with flinging, when we know for a fact that the bliss will vanish sooner or later?
There are a number of factors why couples stay in the flinging stage, instead of taking their relationships to the next level: (1) either or both of them already has/have existent romantic commitment(s), (2) either or both of them just want(s) to play around, (3) either or both of them is/are afraid to face obligations, (4) peer pressure, (5) family expectations, and (6) status differences.
Many of my friends say that they fling because of the fulfillment they acquire when they feel that someone they like cares for them. “Damn the boundaries”, they would always say. At least, they have experienced to be loved and be specially treated by someone dear to them. Their primary concern is their own happiness, so they would not mind if other people would already see them as evils.
Flinging can bring happiness to anyone who opens the door for it. And according to a prominent cliché, everyone deserves to be happy. But is it really gratifying to realize that some things are endangered when you get to be happy in flinging? Morally, of course it is not. But if we dig deeper, we see that some people have to be selfish sometimes to keep them on their journey track. Nevertheless, no matter how long this journey could get, in the end, individuals still have to be rational. And being rational means learning to face the consequences resulted by being once selfish.

when UPcentricity strikes

some of the things you must learn in UP:

1.) suggested readings are mandatory
2.) you can know everything yet still fail an exam
3.) all your classmates are brilliant, others are just not studying
4.) teachers are impressed with no one
5.) your best effort could still get a 5.0
6.) every class is like a thesis defense; it is not enough that you understand…you have to know how to explain everything as well
7.) seatwork sa atin, finals na sa iba
8.) aminin natin, mayabang talaga tayo! hahaha! bongga! may aangal pa diyan… honest lang daw talaga… :D

U-ni-ber-si-dad ng Pi-li-pi-nas
matatapang, matatalino
walang takot kahit kanino
hinding-hindi magpapahuli
ganyan kaming mga taga-UP!!!

Prove Narra’s Strength

I was quite in denial when I found out that the Narra Residence Hall will soon be closed. The administration was saying that some sections of it are already infested. Hence, the dormers’ safety will be at risk for some portions of it may collapse any time. According to the admin, UP has no fund to repair the damages. Thus, there will be no better solution but to bring Narra’s accommodation to an end. And just to continue the housing services Narra has established, the present Narrehans will be disseminated to other dormitories (i.e. Yakal, Molave).
Narra Residence Hall has ascertained its own legacy in the campus. Losing the only all-male dorm in UP Diliman entails the loss of a number of practices Narra has been known for. What will happen to Narra’s way of welcoming UPCAT takers? to Narra week? to Narra’s rule defiance? and most especially, to my most favorite Narra dorm tour during University Student Council campaign period? These will certainly vanish in a snap. The traditions that have been founded from one generation of Narra dormers to another will all be gone in vain.
After implementing the Tuition and Other Fee Increases, we again hear the cliché “UP has no fund”. Come on! Where will the “profit” the UP administration has been boasting go? Well, TOFI cannot really fill in the whole 80 billion UP requires, for we know for a fact that this TOFI is definitely not the solution for the lack of funds, but the greater state subsidy… However, known that TOFI is already instigated, the administration has obviously the capacity now to give premium on UP’s immediate needs. And housing, especially of students, should really be one of the priorities in any amount of fund that can be obtained from TOFI.
Although it will be the ideal set-up, I am not saying that the whole Narra must be fixed. Why not just secure its wings that are less or are not damaged at all? This will absolutely require fewer expenses. These secured wings will then house more dormers, in a sense that a room which was good for 2 persons before will already admit 3 individuals. I bet the location will still be comfortable. At least, in this set-up, the Narra Residence Hall will still be able to continue its heritage. Also, the other dorms will not be jeopardized of being overcrowded.
The closure of a dormitory in UP is not just a dilemma of its dormers, but a crisis of every UP student, and every Filipino who truthfully pays his/her taxes. Let us keep up our fight for our rights! Make Narra Residence Hall, being ‘NARRA’, regain its stance and uphold its supremacy over its intruders.

To Whom It May Concern

Ewan
Di ka naman kagwapuhan
Rally nga’y hindi mo pinapatulan
Ayaw mong makialam at maging maalam
Ni hindi ka nga nagmomodang maging
US o CS diyan
Idol mo pa si Dolphy kung sa
pambababae lang
Loser ka talaga, aminin natin yan
Likas ba sa ‘yo ang pagiging ganyan
Ano pa bang kabahuan mo ang
dapat kong matanto
Upang ako’y mamulat na nang todo
Ramdam ko naman ang kagagahan
ko sa ‘yo no
E di lang kasi umuubra ang dikta
nitong utak ko
Lumipas na sana ‘to… titiyakin kong magsisisi
ka sa pagiging lipas mo sa buhay ko…

time to embark on a new start

I am officially a graduate of the University of the Philippines, Diliman. We had our college graduation yesterday. And just this afternoon, we finally marched in our university graduation. After being an Iskolar ng Bayan, I am to face the responsibility of being an Iskolar para sa Bayan.
Life outside UP…or life of not being a student rather, will surely be sad. Benedicto Cabrera a.k.a Ben Cab, national artist for visual arts, was our college graduation’s guest speaker. In his speech, he cited ten reasons why it is annoying to graduate. With the pop culture language, he emphasized his very line, “bad trip ang magtapos.” Some of the reasons he pointed out are (1) wala nang baon…wala nang responsibilidad ang mga magulang mo na bigyan ka ng allowance, (2) ikaw na ang magbabayad ng mga bills (e.g. telephone, water) at magpapaaral sa mga nakababata mong mga kapatid, (3) kapag hindi mo na kaya ang trabaho, hindi na pwede ang mag-drop lang, (4) hindi na pwede ang maximum of six absences…tatlong beses ka lang um-absent sa trabaho, tingnan natin kung ‘di ka masipa kaagad, (5) wala nang kaibigan…hindi naman pwedeng pumasok kayong lahat ng mga kaibigan mo sa isang kumpanya lang.
The graduation of the College of Arts and Letters was really fun. We enjoyed the music and the cheering galore. But the university graduation, on the other hand, was quite serious. Atty. Victor a.k.a. Chito Avecilla, my very frightful but exceptional professor in BC 100, was the master of ceremonies in the 96th Commencement Exercises of UP. My senses were somehow stimulated when he told us to relish our last few minutes as students. I became a little emotional then to the point that my eyes became teary… Oh yes… It was our last moment as official students. And by now, I am not a student anymore. I will surely look forward to becoming a professional soon. As an idea taken from Ben Cab’s speech…bad trip magtapos pero tapos na ako. Tapos na ako. Panahon naman para magsimula na. I am yet to be challenged in the start of the next phase of my life, after successfully fulfilling the previous one.

i hate me

I saw him again! I really did not expect it, but I caught a glimpse of him while he was walking in the Sunken Garden. He just had his haircut. I actually told him to get a neat hairstyle, and he finally did it. I guess I influenced him in a way… Shit! Why am I being like this?!!! I thought I already psyched myself. I believed I would be unruffled. But damn!!! How could I get excited once more by a mere sight of him?! How could he make my heart throb like this? How stupid I could get!!! I already know the consequences but here I go again… I hate myself for being like this! I H-A-T-E myself!!!

ending and beginning

And after a long wait, it was made clear-cut…no fuzzy stands for me. At last, my considerations can be laid down now.
Though I believe I have still been prolific, my seven months were frittered away. I mean, I might have done so much more if only I learned to divert my attention. And now, I must face the fact that I have wasted so much time and effort in pursuing a folly. Excruciating it may seem, but at least, I am realizing this now. I am finally trying to put a definite track for my future. I am now ready to accomplish what would be the best for me and for the principles I believe in, without taking into account a stupid assumption. Thanks to you…

A Consequence of Doing Thesis

I was trying to organize my files in my laptop when I opened a picture folder by chance. I just laughed when I again realized how thesis can miserably affect people. Good thing if all the tension can make you look at your best. But unfortunately, all the stress can definitely make you appear ohhhhhhhhh soooooooo harassed.
Living example, my friend Leah Ma… She is known for being a fashionista—really dressed up every time I see her. But because of her thesis obligations, she would not care of how she looked anymore so long as she could accomplish her thesis works. She even learned how to keep on track and to relax by finishing 2 or more bottles of beer. Hahaha! See the picture? Leah=Bangag!!! But don’t worry Leah… Despite what thesis has done to you, in my honest opinion, you will forever be beautiful inside and out. And now that you are through with your thesis, you can again manage to look gorgeous everyday.

Living Alone

I finally finished my thesis!!! Yehey! I had my defense just this Monday and had accomplished the revisions only yesterday. The feeling is really gratifying… I checked the CRS and found out that all of my grades are already in. I can say that I am officially a graduating student! I will soon be an alumna of U-Na-I-Ba-E-Ra-Sa-I-Da-A-Da Na-Ga Pa-I-La-I-Pa-I-Na-A-Sa!!! Whew!
After all of the hard work, I guess I deserve a break…a real vacation. Well, too sad my whole family is in Boracay right now. They have left even before I assured them that I will graduate this semester. So I am spending my holy week alone. The whole house is mine. It’s quite exciting for I can do whatever I want. But I just realized that it’s actually depressing. Imagine, while Papa, Mama, Kuya, and Raymon are enjoying the Boracay heat, I am here at home watching DVD’s or surfing the net. Very customary! I don’t even have someone to talk to at least! Hay! Well, I will soon wear my sablay and will march down the walkway of Quezon Hall. My mom promised me that after the ceremonies, I can also go to Bora. But the thing is…I will go there alone. Yeah right! How can I take pleasure in that place if I will just be on my own? I guess I need to scout for some company now.

rock me

I’m feeling that I will soon giveup. I can’t take the pressure anymore. I feel so burdened. I can’t think of anythingthat can make me laugh right now. It seems that wherever I go, another crisiswill wholeheartedly welcome my presence… If I were just a solid rock I wouldnever be like this…well…a stone will be good enough. It is still hard–numbfrom being hurt, but will surely be painful when thrown to somebody…

just facing the truth

Nothing… I just want to say that they are users…losers…gold diggers!!!
You are just but a piece of shit if you don’t conform to whatever they want you to do. It’s as if they instantly obtain amnesia, that they can easily forget EVERYTHING you have done for them. They can treat you as an enemy by far, without thinking of all the favors they have asked from you. I guess, in life, you must really meet people like them to be able to face the reality that you have more important things to focus all your attention, efforts, and resources to. I hope I learned my lesson now. I will be of use to them, never again…never, never, never again. Promise!

Thanks ULS

I do treasure my friends. To me, they are very, very, very precious. People may initially brand me as snobbish and all, but honestly, once I consider a person a friend, he/she is truly for keeps.
That’s why it’s really upsetting for me to realize that there are individuals, I regard as friends, who cling on to me just to satisfy their own welfare…to the point that I already look stupid, not just to them, but even to those people who highly respect me for what I have already become. They’re so selfish…self-centered… They’re real bitches!!!
Here’s the catch… I am completely aware of what’s happening! Haha! I’m not silly …so why wouldn’t I notice it? I am aware that they are just being gold diggers…that they are just my angels when they are in front of me, but existent demons once I turn my back…that from a rational person, I’m immediately transforming to a stupid, dim-witted, brainless, slow, dull, silly (whatever you want to call it) slave who abides by every rule they impose. Damn!!! But despite this idiocy recognition, I keep on coming back to them. Perhaps I’m just thinking that the friendship may be saved. Hehe! Ludicrous principle. Tsk! Tsk! Tsk!
Because of this, I’m slowly neglecting my very true friends—those people who have always been there, may it be during my highest high, but more importantly, during my lowest low. They have already seen me in my best and even in my worst. We already have gone through a lot of obstacles but we remain intact…stronger and better.
To Mavreen, Gracia, Tricia, Joan, Mon and Mex: I am really grateful for having you as my friends. You have accepted me whether my wallet is thick or thin. You are my angels who have never transformed to demons. You always help me to be rational again and again. Thank you for always being there for me…for helping me rise from every stumble. I can’t imagine my life after graduation without you, my dear ULS… *sigh. sigh.* I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!

Unpredicted Glee

Things are really unpredictable… In life, you must really be brave enough to take chances…even risks. Nothing would happen if you continue accepting what our crooked society dictates. Sometimes, you have to go beyond your limits to know the other side of the world. The journey is but arduous—it is always given. Obstructions will definitely be there to test your disposition. But when you come out as a victor, believe me, it’s all worth it…
I just wish that the happiness I am feeling right now will last. But I guess it will perish sooner or later. I just hope that I will be able to get back to my journey immediately…proudly… fearlessly…

another ordinary day

Today is a holiday because it’s my birthday!!!

It’s my birthday…so…I’m supposed to be happy…happy…happy…but I don’t feel like it. Imagine, with all the friends I have, I just received 7 SMS birthday greetings! Yes! Only S-E-V-E-N!!! It’s very depressing because I don’t feel special on my birthday. Perhaps I’m really not…sad… Well, it’s possibly because I don’t have my Globe number anymore. People couldn’t send messages to my Smart number because they availed the Globe unlimited SMS service…no credits for other network users. Okay… And surely, many of them are not aware yet that I just lost my phone. They might have sent messages to my Globe number. Argh! Okay…okay…okay… But no matter how hard I try to justify the situation, I can’t help it…I am still sad. I feel so ignored…

stupidity

I lost my phone…my very precious Sony Ericsson P910i! Who would have thought that in just about 20 seconds of closing a faucet in the comfort room, my phone would be stolen! I don’t want to tag myself as stupid, but I guess the incident implies that…only in this particular event, I must say.
My parents always tell me to take care of my things. Every time I would go out of the house, I would always hear my mom say, “Where did you put your phone? Ingatan mo yan, Len. Itago mong mabuti.” And because I was confident enough that my phone would not be lost, I would just reply, “Oo. Nandito sa bag ko.” Hearing these words, Mama would already go ballistic. I will hear her utter, “Nasa bag mo lang? Saan banda diyan? Baka pinapabayaan mo lang?” And true enough, I suppose I actually overlooked the fact that my phone would be an apple to every snatcher’s eyes. I became incautious. When my phone was still new, I remember that merely carrying it made me so nervous. In traveling, if Papa would not drive for me, I would always ride a cab after going down from MRT. I would also open my bag so often, just to check if my phone was safe. But through time, this watchfulness faded little by little. And so now, I lost my phone…my very precious Sony Ericsson P910i! I lost my contacts, my pictures, my MP3’s, my videos, my 2006 birthday messages, my special messages…
Thinking about this, I realized that the situation is much worse. I just have 3 more days before my birthday. Many of my friends are Globe users. Thus, they are getting in touch with me through my Globe number. Yeah right! The power of unlimitxt…But I don’t have this number anymore. I lost my phone, remember?! Huhu! Nice pre-birthday gift! I will just pray for the soul of whoever stole it. I hope my dear P910i will be of great purpose to that individual.

sidetracked

My eyes are swollen until now. No matter how tactical I am in putting on make up…no matter how often I smile and even laugh…no matter how firm I can get in declaring that I am satisfied and happy…no matter how hard I try to pretend that I am okay, my eyes that had always demonstrated my gaiety suddenly bear out the fact that I am miserable…
When everything in my future has already been planned, and when I am yet fixing the bungled phases of my life, I did not manage to obtain the very key to my yet to come existence I have imagined—I did not pass the University of the Philippines Law Aptitude Examination.
Before the results came out, even if I was telling my family and friends that I would not pass LAE, at the back of my head, I was confident that I would make it. Why not? I have a relatively high GWA and the questions in the exam were uncomplicated yet time bound, making the whole process somehow brain draining. Just like some of my friends I know who passed LAE, I did not prepare for it. No review centers or specialized practice examination kits. I simply skimmed a general entrance examination reviewer days before the test. But in spite of this scenario, it was instilled to me that I will pass LAE. Just for back-up, I may take other law schools’ entrance examinations but I will never enroll in any of them.
And so the results came out last Wednesday… Contrary to what I have expected, my name was not on the list of LAE passers. Although I can still try it this coming November, the situation exceedingly hurts me. The pride I have as an achiever ever since is just but a spec of the reason why I cannot easily accept what happened. Beyond anything else, the ruin of the ambition I have long been setting my life up for is the primary cause of the agony I am now struggling against. I honestly do not want to cry anymore, but I cannot hold my tears back every time I am reminded of how stupid I could get in my dream law school examination. I do not want to appear gloomy but I am oblivious that it is already becoming my habit to stare at nowhere for quite a long period of time.
Realizing this makes me feel so irritating! This is the very first time in my life that I do not have a second plan at hand. I have always been wise in troubleshooting but I cannot be that wise troubleshooter now! Yes, the UP College of Law is not the only good law school everyone knows. There are others which may be better than it. Call me UP-centric but I cannot imagine myself studying in a law school aside from UP. It is not that I am degrading the other schools… It’s really not like that. It’s just that for me…as of now…it’s UP or nothing… And this makes me feel that I am indeed a loser for I cannot do something now for me to start reaching the life I have surmised…
Before, I am thinking that I must accomplish my thesis right away…so I can graduate on time…so I can proceed to the UP College of Law immediately…so I can be an exceptional, liberal, and mass-oriented lawyer someday. But I don’t have the drive to finish my thesis on time anymore… I am even reluctant now to go to school to attend to my academic requirements and even to my extra-curricular activities. I am now lost…and I desperately need to regain my vision…

I Stand Corrected

Just because it is like becoming a habit already, we came again to our favorite hangout place just this night. All this time, I thought that the place is called Drew’s. Perhaps I was thinking that this booze venue is owned by a person named Drew. So maybe, to simplify things, he just tagged his own name in his business. But while looking around in the area, I was surprised to see that the place is actually named Drews…without apostrophe… Haha! I guess I do not need to know the story behind. But I have confirmed that sometimes, people tend to dwell right away on bigger phases, that we neglect to give attention to minor details…

please show up

I lost my student’s license! Huhuhu! Now that I can ‘upgrade’ it to a non-professional or even a professional driver’s license, I can’t remember where I placed that stupid small piece of paper. I was quite appeased for I know I put it inside my documents’ case, since I always plunk pertinent papers in it. But I was so shocked when I could not find it last night. I searched for it in all the corners of our room, but it was nowhere to be found. I wish I didn’t obliviously throw it with the papers I thought were all worthless. Waaaaahhhhh! Nooohhhh! I don’t know what to do now! I’m going crazy looking for it!

Busy Me

I hate busy days! It is as if I don’t have time for myself anymore. No time for television, no time for window-shoppings, no time for manicure and pedicure, no time for paperbacks, no time for friends, no time for SeaBest or Starbucks, no time for Drew’s, no time for girl talks, no time for sleep. I wake up early in the morning, and retire few minutes before the sun rises. How is that?! I’m so deprived of comfort nowadays. When pressure gets into me, I would just want to turn my back from all the tasks that are waiting to be accomplished, and enjoy the luxury of sitting back while getting pleasure from a movie and munching on a bucket full of barbeque-flavored popcorn. But can I do that?! Of course not! I just wish to, but it will obviously be impossible!!! So my diversion now? YOSI! I know, right???
But thinking about it, being busy does not always feature the miserable aspects of my life. How can it be? Besides from the fact that being such implies that I am trying my best for me to be able to pull all my obligations off, I will not have time to make myself more depressed as well. This is how it goes… Because of tiredness at the end of the day, it is but normal for me to sleep as soon as possible upon arriving home. And because I’m not a morning person, it is so hard for me to wake up early. Since I have so many activities in the school, the end product will again be a ‘dog-tired Ran arriving home late at night’… And the cycle goes on and on. With such scenario, I will not have leisure time to contemplate on what’s happening in my life anymore because I am very pre-occupied. Hence, I will not be able to identify flaws in my existence as a daughter, a sister, a student, a leader, a citizen, a friend, a dreamer, a woman, or even a human. Thus, I will not get disheartened. Haha! What a realization!